On Q Professional Investigations

Some 60 years ago, Alfred Kinsey delivered a shock to midcentury sexual sensibilities when he reported that at some point in their marriages, half of the men and a quarter of the women in the U.S. had an extramarital affair. No one puts much stock in Dr. Kinsey’s high numbers any more—his sampling methods suffered from a raging case of selection bias—but his results fit the long-standing assumption that men are much more likely to cheat than women.

Lately, however, researchers have been raising doubts about this view: They believe that the incidence of unfaithfulness among wives may be approaching that of husbands. The lasting costs of these betrayals will be familiar to the many Americans who have experienced divorce as spouses or children.

Among the most reliable studies on this issue is the General Social Survey, sponsored by the National Science Foundation, which has been asking Americans the same questions since 1972. In the 2010 survey, 19% of men said that they had been unfaithful at some point during their marriages, down from 21% in 1991. Women who reported having an affair increased from 11% in 1991 to 14% in 2010.

A 2011 study conducted by Indiana University, the Kinsey Institute and the University of Guelph found much less of a divide: 23% for men and 19% for women. Such numbers suggest the disappearance of the infidelity gender gap, but some caution is in order.

An enduring problem for researchers—even those who sample with meticulous care—is that any such survey is asking for confessions from people who are presumably lying to their spouses. Researchers generally believe that actual infidelity numbers are higher than the results indicate.

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A lot of affairs happen with co-workers. The reasons for this are many; you spend a lot of time with co-workers, sometimes more than with your partner or spouse. People at work are often putting their best foot forward in terms of how they dress and present themselves. You don’t see what they look like first thing in the morning before hair and make-up; you don’t really see them when they are sick and miserable, and people usually try to get along with their boss and co-workers, so they save their “grumpy” selves for when they are at home.

Wrong though it may be, people often give their best at work and save the leftovers, emotionally and physically, for their partners and kids.

All of these factors combine to create an atmosphere where unhealthy emotional connections can start to develop that can evolve into an adulterous relationship over time. This cheating can be either emotional or physical. Before this happens though, there is usually one key ingredient that needs to be there to get the ball rolling.

This one key ingredient is made up of two parts: first, there is strain in the person’s marriage to begin with, and they are feeling like their needs are not being met in some way. Second, they meet someone at work who meets those exact needs for them in a way their partner does not.

For example, a guy is feeling under-appreciated at home by his wife. She is not praising him a whole lot, not speaking his love-language, perhaps she is an Intimacy Anorexic (see previous posts). As a result his “love tank” is empty. The emotional bank account is “over-drawn”. Then he goes to work and his rather attractive co-worker, who always looks fantastic and is upbeat and perky, starts to compliment him on things. She pays attention to him, and validates him. She is “into him” and he feels wanted and important. This goes on for months and months….meanwhile at home he feels like he is living in an emotional wasteland. If he is with an Anorexic he feels like a roommate. Meanwhile, the attention from Ms. Coworker is intoxicating…he can’t get enough.

Guess what? He starts to feel an emotional “connection” with this co-worker. He starts to think about her when he is not at work. He thinks about her when he is getting dressed in the morning and putting his cologne on (“I wonder if she will like this” he thinks). He tries to go out of his way to make sure he talks to her at work, perhaps they have lunch or coffee breaks together. One thing leads to another…

This is a classic text-book case of how affairs happen. One person is not getting their emotional needs met at home, and someone at work fills in the gaps. They feel “whole” when they are around this person. The big mistake they make is that they think that it is the person who is fulfilling them, but it is actually the behaviours that they are doing that is making them feel so good. If their husband or wife at home started to do the same behaviours, they would feel fulfilled in that relationship.

If this is happening to you, be careful. An affair is just around the corner. Take the time you spend investing in that co-worker and start to invest it in your primary relationship. Get counselling, read a book, have a heart-to-heart talk and plan on how you can improve your marriage. Read this blog and see if one or both of you is anorexic. If you are, get some help. Just know this….everything you think that this affair with the co-worker will give you, it won’t. If you develop feelings for this person, it will only end in pain. Either pain for your spouse when they learn you cheated on them, or pain for the co-worker when they develop feelings for you and then realize that it can never happen. Some things are just never meant to be.

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Can you spot a husband prone to infidelity? If he’s unhappy with his wife, he’ll cheat, right? Not necessarily. According to a Rutgers University study, 56 percent of men who have affairs claim to be happy in their marriages. They’re largely satisfied with all they have and aren’t looking for a way out, yet they still find themselves in bed with other women—and in hot water with their wives. Here, experts explain this phenomenon and dispel other popular cheating myths.

Fact #1: Most men are still in love with their wives when they cheat.

Men who cheat haven’t fallen out of love; they’ve become unsatisfied with the current state of it. “Cheating usually occurs in the phase of companionate love, when couples begin to settle down, have kids and solidify the life being built together,” says clinical psychologist Andra Brosh, PhD. While they’re fulfilled in some areas, like being a provider, the romance may be missing. “We more often think of women complaining about a lack of romance, but men feel it, too,” says Dr. Brosh. “They frequently suffer in silence, believing they can’t get what they want from their spouses.” To avoid this in your marriage, plan nights out together, set aside time for sex and discuss hopes and dreams—not just workdays and your son’s last soccer game.

Fact #2: Men usually cheat with women they know.

Cheaters don’t generally pick up random women in bars. “My first husband cheated on me with a childhood friend,” says Diane* from New York City. “His family was close to her family, so they never lost touch.” Intimacy expert Mary Jo Rapini explains, “A lot of women think that all cheating women are floozies—not true. The relationships are usually friendships first.” A good idea: Make sure your husband feels more connected to you than to his business partner. “Spouses go to work, take care of their kids and do separate things at night. That has to stop,” says Rapini. She suggests always going to bed at the same time and cuddling.

Fact #3: Men cheat to save their marriages

“Men love their spouses, but they don’t know how to fix their relationship problems, so they go outside their marriages to fill any holes,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Susan Mandel, PhD. Men want it all and have the skewed notion that another woman will make the longing for something more disappear. Then, they can live happily ever after with their wife—and their mistress—without confronting the real issues.

Fact #4: Men hate themselves after affairs.

You may think of cheaters as men without morals, but while they may like what they did, they tend to despise themselves after their indiscretions. “If he puts his ego to the side, he’ll feel like a piece of garbage,” says relationship expert Charles J. Orlando, author of The Problem with Women…Is Men. “After all, he’s betraying another human being who he claims to care about, so that takes its toll on every part of his psyche.” A cheater can feel as though he’s failed as a man

Fact #5: Cheaters often get friskier with their wives when affairs begin.

Just because a husband’s touchy-feely doesn’t mean his marriage is on firm footing. “When a man starts cheating, he becomes hyperactive sexually,” says Rapini, explaining that his sex drive has been awakened, and his wife is still the one with whom he feels most comfortable sexually. If you notice a sudden change in your husband’s sex drive, it should raise a red flag. Be on the lookout for the switch to flip off again. “After the affair is solid, he may begin to pull away,” says Rapini.

Fact #6: Women cheat just as much as men, and their affairs are often more dangerous.

An Indiana University study shows that men and women cheat at the same rate. But “the reasons the sexes cheat are different,” says Orlando. He explains women are more likely to cheat for emotional satisfaction. “Online cheating—without any physical contact—is the most damaging type of infidelity,” says Orlando. Becoming emotionally invested in another person means you’ve likely checked out of your marriage. But if it’s just sex, it’s less about attachment and more about a hurtful mistake.

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There’s only one thing worse than finding out that your partner’s cheating: suspecting that your partner’s cheating. Unfortunately, it’s not always as simple as just asking your partner for the truth. One of the most common ways for unfaithful partners to deflect accusations of cheating is to dismiss their partners’ concerns as paranoia. Some even turn the tables and accuse their partners of pondering infidelity.

If you can’t catch your partner in the act, there are red flags to look for (suspicious errands, a sudden change in grooming or appearance, etc.), but what if you’re not 100 percent sure? Should you end your relationship without any hard evidence of infidelity, or wait passively for the truth to come out?

In the past, worried spouses hired expensive private detectives to do the dirty work, if they could afford to pay thousands of dollars. Now Infidelity DNA Testing, operated by the national DNA testing company Paternity Lab Center, makes it easy for any man or woman to scientifically confirm cheating, CSI-style. All it involves is sending in an item that’s potential evidence, like dirty underwear, bedsheets, condoms, or even cigarette butts, and having it tested for DNA. Should viable DNA be detected, you can then pay an additional fee for a comparison test to see if the DNA on your partner’s item matches yours. If not, you know someone’s got some ‘splainin’ to do. The whole process costs $600 at the most.

The whole process sounds icky and even sneaky, yes. But we’re talking about cheating! It comes with the territory. And while not all cheating partners are dumb enough to leave incriminating, bodily fluid-soaked undies around, many of them are. You deserve to know the truth, and no one can deny the validity of DNA. Even better, you’ll know the truth within five business days. And then you can move on with your relationship… or not.

Kip Charles, owner of the Paternity Lab Center, reports that the majority of people who call Infidelity DNA Testing are men who suspect their girlfriends or wives are cheating.

“More men call to find out how the process works, but most don’t actually go through with it,” Charles says. “Women are more likely to pull the trigger and actually submit an item for testing.” He says that about 70% of clients confirm that their partner was cheating as they suspected. “Maybe 30% of clients are wrong about their suspicions, but I’d say the rest already know something’s wrong. They know there’s a serious decision they have to make, but they have to be sure.”

The lesson: If you think your partner is cheating, follow your gut, but don’t forget all the technology—or dirty laundry—at your disposal.

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A 29-year-old Ethiopian housemaid allegedly smothered her newborn baby girl born through an adulterous relationship by putting her in a bag and keeping it closed for about six hours, the Dubai Criminal Court heard.

JAA is accused of premeditatedly killing her one day-old baby girl by wrapping her in a cloth and putting her in a bag and closing the bag with the intention to kill her. The accused denied killing the baby and claimed that she was born dead. However, the forensic report said the baby was born alive and she was fed milk and the cause of her death was suffocation.

AMI, 17, Emirati student, testified that the accused had been working for the family since July 2011 and used to stay in the helpers’ quarter in their villa’s yard. On April 26, the maid excused herself from housework, saying she is tired. On the following day, the family asked her to go out with them and were in fact intending to deport her.
“When the maid went to the bathroom, my grandmother started searching her bags. She searched the first bag and was opening the second one when the maid came out of the bathroom. She tried to prevent her from carrying on with her search but my grandmother insisted. Then the maid pulled out a wrapped piece of cloth and towel and said that there is a baby in it. She claimed that she brought the baby from outside. Checking the wrap we found a dead baby,” he testified.

The grandmother, AHS, 60, repeated the same testimony.

Police investigated the case and found out that the baby must have born alive after nine months of pregnancy. Forensic reported that the baby’s lungs were in ‘floating’ condition which clearly indicated that she had breathed air after delivery, contrary to the mother’s claim that she was born dead. Also, milky residues were found in her digestive organ in addition to hard waste in her intestine which means that the baby was fed more than once.

Forensic report that, from the wet condition of the umbilical cord, it appears that the baby was born either on April 25 or 26. Suffocation, and not the baby’s head injury, was the cause of her death, the report said.
The accused confessed before the police that the baby was the result of her adulterous relationship with AK who is being prosecuted by the Misdemeanor Court with JAA for adultery.

Records did not mention how JAA met AK and whether she continued her relationship with him after joining her employer. It also did not mention whether he asked her or encouraged her to kill the baby.

The accused claimed that the baby was born dead on April 26.

“She was not moving when she was born. I cut the umbilical cord with a knife which was in the room. I wrapped her in a cloth and put her on the bed at 8am. I was very scared that my adulterous relationship with a man would be discovered. I wrapped her body in a towel and put her in a bag and closed it until 2pm,” she testified.

Later the accused admitted before the police to giving birth to a live baby girl in her room and that nobody was with her when she delivered the baby girl on April 26, testified police officer Saeed Salem.
She admitted that she had put the baby in a bag and closed the bag so that nobody would discover her illegal and illicit relationship with a man that resulted in the baby.

She confessed to having adulterous relation with a man in August 2011. Police arrested AK with whom who she claimed she had adulterous relationship.

Forensic reported that AK was the real father and the accused was the real mother of the baby.

The accused, however, again giving birth to a live baby when she appeared before the prosecution and on Monday when she appeared in court.

“I gave birth to a stillborn baby. I did not kill my baby but she was born dead,” JAA told the jury presided by judge Hamad Abdullatif Abdul Jawad who ordered the appointment of a defence lawyer and to reconvene on October 15.

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Social media sites are beneficial in connecting with friends and relatives residing in different parts of the world. Social media also plays a deadly role in divorce and many American couple are breaking their marriage relationship and getting divorced due to social media networks. It is reported that 81% of lawyers from the American academy of matrimonial lawyers has pulled information from different social networking sites to fight for their clients regarding the divorce issue. 66% of lawyers use face book,15% use My Space and 5% information is taken is from twitter.

Mostly social media sites are used for cheating and flirting strangers on the other side and it is discovered that 1 out of 5 adults use face book site for flirting. It is reported that 235 of men usually tend to cheat the women and 19% of women who are not sexually satisfied use social media for cheating.

It is suggested to say no to face book and delete the account if it becomes burden and effects your marriage life.

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Have you ever scrolled through your partner’s text messages or emails? Maybe listened into their voicemails? You’re not alone. More that a third of Americans who took part in a survey conducted by an online dating site said suspicious behavior warrants electronic snooping.

More women than men said it was ok to spy; in fact 37% said spying on a significant other is acceptable if ‘bad behavior’ is suspected. Only 29% of males agreed with that statement.

Interestingly, age comes into play here. Thirty-six percent of adults aged 18 to 34 approve of electronic snooping, while only 26% of adults over the age of 55 do.

The survey of over 2,000 adults conducted for OurTime.com revealed a little more about people’s dating habits. It turns out people over the age of 55 think it’s okay to date more than one person at a time. Not so the younger generation. Only 41% of adults ages 18 to 34 felt dating more than one person at a time was all right.

The survey also reveals people are slightly more selective and cautious when choosing a partner these days. Only half of women between 18 and 34 are willing to date someone with health issues, and that figure decreases with the age of the respondent.

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