The Adultery Arms Race

Jay’s wife, Ann, was supposed to be out of town on business. It was a Tuesday evening in August 2013, and Jay, a 36-year-old IT manager, was at home in Indiana with their 5-year-old daughter and 9-year-old son when he made a jarring discovery. Their daughter had misplaced her iPad, so Jay used the app Find My iPhone to search for it. The app found the missing tablet right away, but it also located all the other devices on the family’s plan. What was Ann’s phone doing at a hotel five miles from their home?

His suspicions raised, Jay, who knew Ann’s passwords, read through her e-mails and Facebook messages. (Like others in this story, Jay asked that his and Ann’s names be changed.) He didn’t find anything incriminating, but neither could he imagine a good reason for Ann to be at that hotel. So Jay started using Find My iPhone for an altogether different purpose: to monitor his wife’s whereabouts.

Two nights later, when Ann said she was working late, Jay tracked her phone to the same spot. This time, he drove to the hotel, called her down to the parking lot, and demanded to know what was going on. Ann told him she was there posing for boudoir photos, with which she planned to surprise him for his upcoming birthday. She said the photographer was up in the room waiting for her.

Jay wanted to believe Ann. They’d been married for 12 years, and she had never given him cause to distrust her. So instead of demanding to meet the photographer or storming up to the room, Jay got in his car and drove home.

Still, something gnawed at him. According to Ann’s e-mails, the boudoir photo shoot had indeed taken place—but on the previous day, Wednesday. So her being at the hotel on Tuesday and again on Thursday didn’t make sense. Unless …

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FBI wants ‘Loverspy’ hacker who helped catch cheating lovers

WASHINGTON – It’s not just the federal government intercepting your communications. It could be a nosy relative or jealous partner.

Among the five people added this week to the FBI’s list of “most wanted” cybercriminals is a former San Diego college student who developed an $89 program called “Loverspy” or “Email PI.” Sold online from his apartment, the program was advertised as a way to “catch a cheating lover” by sending the person an electronic greeting card that, if opened, would install malicious software to capture emails and instant messages, even spy on someone using the victim’s own webcam.

The case of Carlos Enrique Perez-Melara, 33, is noteworthy because he appears to have made relatively little money on the scheme, unlike others on the FBI list who were accused of bilking millions of dollars from businesses and Internet users worldwide. But Perez-Melara, a native of El Salvador who was in the United States on a student visa in 2003 when he sold the spyware, allegedly helped turn average computer users into sophisticated hackers who could stalk their victims.

Loverspy was designed “with stealth in mind, claiming that it would be impossible to detect by 99.9 percent of users,” according to a July 2005 federal indictment of Perez-Melara.

A section chief with the FBI who oversees operations in the agency’s cyber division, John Brown, said Loverspy was one of many illegal “hacking-for-hire” services. In one case earlier this year, a New York police detective was arrested for spending more than $4,000 on hacking services to obtain the emails of more than a dozen of his colleagues. Many of the operators tend to be based overseas.

“These are sophisticated folks who know how to hide themselves on the Internet,” Brown said.

Brown said Perez-Melara was added to the FBI most wanted list in part because the former college student has been so difficult to find. Perez-Melara has eluded the authorities since his indictment eight years ago with his last known location as El Salvador. The government is now offering a $50,000 reward for information leading to his arrest.

According to his indictment, Perez-Melara sold the software to 1,000 customers, who then tried to infect about 2,000 computers. Victims took the bait only about half the time, the government said. People who purchased the spyware were charged with illegally intercepting electronic communications. Most of those cases appear to have resulted in probation and fines.

In addition to hacking-for-hire services, there is an established commercial market for snooping software that domestic violence advocates warn can also be used to stalk victims. Software such as ePhoneTracker and WebWatcher, for example, are advertised as ways to monitor kids’ online messages and track their location. For $349 a year, Flexispy of Wilmington, Del., promises to capture every Facebook message, email, text and photo sent from a phone, as well as record phone calls. These services generally would be legal only if the person installing the software also owned the device or were given consent by the owner.

Others identified on the FBI most wanted cyber list includes Alexsey Belan, a Russian, who allegedly broke into the computer networks of three major U.S. e-commerce companies. Belan is accused of stealing the companies’ user databases and encrypted passwords, which he then sold. Two others named by the FBI hijacked computers with malware disguised as online advertisements, then sold security fixes to victims. In one case, the loss to consumers was estimated to be $100 million.

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Office Affairs Begin At Holiday Parties, Reports

Worried about letting your spouse attend his or her office holiday party alone? According to — a dating site for married people looking to cheat — you have good reason to be.

A recent Ashley Madison press release reveals that out of 23,455 people polled (all of whom have accounts on the site), 46.1 percent of men and 37.4 percent of women have had an affair with a co-worker. Among these cheaters, 72.2 percent of women and 59.8 percent of men say that they had their first encounter with the affair partner at an office holiday party.

The founder and CEO of Ashley Madison, Noel Biderman, explained why these gatherings are breeding grounds for extra-marital liaisons: “[They] offer an informal atmosphere, and when mixed with alcohol and pent-up sexual tensions between two colleagues, it’s a recipe for disaster.”

And while not everyone acts on the temptation, many people have entertained the idea of a tryst with a colleague. Data from the website indicates that 89.1 pecent of men and 83.2 percent of women have thought about having an affair with a co-worker. Even more shocking is that 94.7 percent of men and 96.3 percent of women have copped to having sexual fantasies about someone in their office.

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Infidelity in the military: Is it an epidemic?

Florida housewives, a tawdry affair, and flirtatious emails. No, it’s not an update from your favorite reality show.

It’s the story that has lately dominated the headlines — the resignation of former four-star Gen. David Petraeus as head of the CIA. But the disclosure of the Petraeus affair, and all that followed, only hints at a much wider scandal in the U.S. armed forces.

Dr. Cregg Chandler, a retired Air Force chaplain who has done extensive research on military ethics, says infidelity came up as a major concern for 70 percent of the counselors he interviewed.

“Infidelity was high on the radar screen over the last years,” he said. “I saw it as a major problem, and I use the word epidemic.”

In 2012 alone, there have been several top commanders investigated or fired for sexual improprieties or bad judgment. Among them: Brig. Gen. Jeffrey Sinclair — a former deputy commander in Afghanistan — who is facing a military grand jury on charges of adultery and sexual misconduct.
But what about the spouses? How are they affected?

Two women who know about the challenges of family life in the military spoke to Rebecca Jarvis and Anthony Mason about the problem on “CBS This Morning: Saturday.”

Jacey Eckhart is an Air Force brat, Navy wife and Army mom. She’s also the Editor in Chief of and the author of “Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Woman’s Guide to Raising a Military Family.” Siobhan Fallon is an Army wife and author of “You Know When the Men Are Gone.”

“Military families are just like civilian families when it comes to infidelity,” said Eckhart. “We estimate about a third of all families are blighted by infidelity. And so, you’ve got to remember two-thirds of the families are not.”

Fallon said though she’s very upset by the Petraeus affair, she’s seen incredible marriages at every level in the military, and does not believe anyone is using rank as power within personal relationships

“I think everyone overwhelmingly supports Gen. Petraeus and his military career,” she said. “The chain of command and our leaders have been chosen as leaders because they are upstanding men and women… worthy of leading our soldiers into battle and making life and death decisions.”

Eckhart said she thinks it’s important to remember that fidelity is a set of behaviors that you learn over time, and the ones needed when you’re younger are different than the ones you need when you’re in your 40s.

“I think the military understands that… the people who are closest to you, you have to be faithful to,” she said. “And that starts with that number one person you have at home.”

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INFIDELITY: How to confirm if your partner is cheating – Private Investigators vs Modern Technology

You’ve seen all of the signs, and now you’re looking for confirmation. When you’ve reached this point, to obtain the peace of mind you require you’re left with the decision as to whether you’ll engage the use of a professional service or alternatively invest in some modern day technology. To help you in your decision process, we’ve outlined the most common resources available to you – and the legalities you will face should you choose it.

Private Investigators:

“Honeytrap” investigators: For those who have been cheated on before or have concerns their partner may stray, they may turn to the services of these types of investigators. Better known as a ‘honeytrap’, these types of investigators will start a conversation with your partner in a social setting (either in person or online) with the intention of seeing how far they can take it (ie exchanging of phone numbers, request for intimacy etc) . A full report is then provided to you, sometimes with the inclusion of footage/recordings.

Legality: Although LEGAL, most investigators frown upon this type of entrapment situation. As the ‘honeytrap’ investigator used for these are based on your partners “ideal” (ie looks, interests, clothing sense), the argument is this type of scenario is creating a fantasy situation which may never actually occur in reality and does not actually prove whether your partner is currently being unfaithful.

Surveillance Investigators: The tried and true method of catching a cheating spouse out. If you’re looking for peace of mind as to what your spouse is doing during those ‘unexplained’ hours away from you, or alternatively what they are ‘really’ getting up to when they say they are going out with their friends – conducting surveillance remains the number 1 option for piece of mind. Using a licensed private investigator removes the emotion out of watching your partner and reviewing the investigators footage of your partners night out allows you to see exactly the type of interactions and body language your partner is displaying towards other individuals.

Legality: Surveillance undertaken by licensed, professional private investigators is LEGAL. Through training and experience surveillance investigators know the law (ie your States relevant surveillance and devices Act) and produce their findings by way of a detailed report and footage which are both admissible in Court. If you engage an unlicensed investigator or take matters into your own hands you could very well run the risk of being caught out, or having footage presented to you which has been obtained both unethically and in breach of State laws.

Online Investigators: Do you truly know your partner if you have no idea what they are doing online? Where once being secretive with your mobile phone was an immediate cause for concern of cheating, in this day age it is all about your online activity. As more and more people learn how to log on and interact with other people online, so does the old lingering thoughts of “I wonder what my high school sweetheart is doing these days?”, or “I wonder if I Google my secret desires what will come up / who will share my thoughts?”. Engaging an online investigator can uncover significant behaviours that are otherwise suppressed by your spouse in their everyday life and may just teach you something new about who your partner really is.

Legality: Online investigations conducted by licensed private investigators are LEGAL. Using the skills, experience and resources these types of investigators are able to provide a detailed report on their findings based on information which has been legally obtained. Don’t be fooled by databases online which offer similar type of services for a fraction of the cost – like most things these days, you certainly get what you pay for.

Modern Technology:

Forensic Recovery: Does your partner never leave their phone out of their sight? Do they delete text messages as soon they receive them? Is their call history always blank? Certainly one of the biggest red flags for suspicious spouses is the sudden change in their partners phone habits. With the introduction of a wide range of mobile forensic software those deleted messages may still be able to be recovered. Certainly the hardest part of using this technology is getting access to the phone itself – particularly when they don’t leave the phone out of their sight!

Legality: Lets be clear on this – if you don’t have the permission of your spouse to undertake this, then it is ILLEGAL. Even if you do have permission from your spouse there is certainly no guarantee of recovering everything off the phone leaving you with the same unanswered questions and wondering why you didn’t leave it to the professionals in the first place.

Spyware: With applications such as Stealthgenie and Spectorsoft on the market, once downloaded on a phone or computer, every single keystroke, website, text message and phone call are recorded and sent to your own inbox for your viewing pleasure. Originally created with the intention of tracking your child’s or an employees online activity, suspicious spouses everywhere have seen the benefit of utilising these to discreetly check on their partners activity without their knowledge.

Legality: ILLEGAL. Even if you own the computer/phone your spouse may be using – it’s safe to say if you’re using spyware for confirming infidelity then you will not have the permission of your spouse to record their activity.

GPS applications: With GPS technology becoming smaller and more affordable this has resulted in many suspicious spouses utilising this type of equipment to confirm their partners movements. Certainly with the invention of smart phones having built in GPS systems, iphone applications such as “Findmyphone” have spouses desperate for the truth ‘accidentally’ leaving their phone in their partners’ cars in the hopes of tracking where they go.

Legality: While tracking an individual without their knowledge (or a Court Order!) is ILLEGAL, most individuals who have tried the cheaper applications will tell you the GPS location is typically unreliable and you may end up breaking up your relationship based on incorrect information. Furthermore these pieces of equipment may tell you where your spouse my be but they certainly won’t identify who they are there with, and more importantly what they are doing. Only a surveillance investigator can obtain this information for you. **Editors note: Please check the laws of your State as the legalities of GPS tracking may differ in your location.

Hidden cameras: Once reserved for the likes of James Bond, these days a quick search online for ‘purchase hidden camera’ returns over 26,600,000 results! The fast pace of technology has allowed video and recording devices to become smaller, more affordable and the quality even better. With battery life lasting even longer, these days you can hide a hidden camera in almost anything – clocks, watches, pens, power plugs, teddy bears, smoke detectors – the list is endless! For those who are concerned about who may be visiting their spouse when you’re not home, this type of equipment has allowed many to become their own DIY spy.

Legality: ILLEGAL (in the majority of circumstances) for this type of use. For example, it is illegal in most states to record an individual without their express consent and it goes without saying that everyone should expect a reasonable sense of privacy particular in rooms such as the bedroom. Setting up hidden cameras / recording devices at your partners house will most likely end up in you seeing the footage played back via a Courtroom setting.

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7 telltale signs of a cheating wife

Experts have given a few sings to look out for if you want to know weather your wife is cheating on you.

Firstly, phone calls – any change in phone calls including frequency of calls, time of day, tone of voice or a change in text messaging habits could all signify that she is cheating. When she answers the phone, does she drop her volume or suddenly sound as flirtatious as she did when you were first dating?

If it seems like her phone habits are changing and you cannot understand the changes, you may be witnessing an affair, the Huffington Post reported.

Secondly, dates with girlfriends – is she spending more time with her girlfriends than in the past? Are there many evenings out with the girls, when there were almost none just a short while ago? When you ask her who she will be with, does her answer sound sincere?

If any of these scenarios ring a bell, your wife may be going out, but not with the girls. If she was not socializing with her friends with the same frequency that she is now, that is a sign. If she is doing different things than she did with the girls in the past, that is a good indication that all is not what it seems.

Thirdly, showering and the gym – does she come home freshly showered, when in the past she did not shower during the day? Does she seem to be going to the gym more often than she used to?

There are two parts to this one. The gym excuse could be legitimate; it just might be that she is going there more frequently. The problem is that she might be working out more to impress her new love interest. And if she is not in need of her usual shower at night, chances are she is showering after an afternoon of steamy sex, followed by a steamy shower.

Fourthly, cologne – does she ever smell of different cologne, one that is more masculine than hers? Do you ever comment on the new scent she is wearing, only to find that she does not apply the same scent at home?

It could be that the new scent is not hers, but his. Do you by any chance recognize the scent as one you might have tried in the past? Do you recognize it as a scent one of your friends wears?

Fifthly, eye contact – has she stopped making eye contact when answering questions about where she has been and what she has been doing? Does she avoid looking you straight in the eye, when that was not an issue before?

For most people, it is very challenging to look someone who knows you very well in the eye and tell an out-and-out lie. If your wife is lying to you, there is a very good likelihood that she will be looking anywhere but into your eyes when she does.

Next, alcohol and other substances – is she drinking outside the home at odd times or more than before? Have you suspected drug use, where there was none before? Does she ever smell of cigarettes, even though she doesn’t smoke?

If you are seeing any of these scenarios, there is probably a partner in crime. Sex, drugs and rock and roll all go together, as does alcohol, and could all be indulged in during a tryst. If she smells of cigarettes and she does not smoke, you can bet that he does. You know, almost certainly, that someone else is influencing her choices if these behaviors are taking place when they were not happening before.

Lastly, sexual deviations – does she want sex less often than usual? Does she seem to just be going through the motions? Is she asking for things you never did before or teaching you new tricks?

Any extreme variances in sexual behavior are possible indications that there is a new influence in her life. While there are other possible circumstances, the most likely scenario is that she is getting fulfilled outside of the relationship or realizing that there are new and different things that she enjoys and is bringing them into your bed.

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Love, keystroking, spyware and passwords: Oh my!

Electronic eavesdropping capabilities have reached new heights with the ongoing development of technology. With high stakes and hot emotions surrounding family law litigation, finding evidence of infidelity, hidden assets, or information about legal strategies often becomes an obsession of spouses, and obtaining it through electronics may seem like a really great idea in the heat of the moment. However, there are important statutory prohibitions and constitutional safeguards for privacy rights that can apply to electronic eavesdropping. The potential criminal and civil implications of hi-tech snooping are serious business.

Electronic Communications Privacy Act

The Electronic Communications Privacy Act and the Stored Wire and Electronic Communications Act (collectively referred to in this article as the “ECPA”) are the two primary federal laws that make certain types of electronic eavesdropping illegal acts. Communications that are covered by these federal statutes are broad and include, but are not limited to, wiretaps, telephone interceptions, electronic mail, voice mail, instant messaging, and recording face-to-face conversations.

The ECPA prohibits the unauthorized and intentional interception, use, or disclosure of covered communications via electronic, mechanical, or other devices, and access to the stored wire or electronic communications of another person. “Interception” is the “aural or other acquisition of the contents of any wire, electronic, or oral communication through the use of any electronic, mechanical, or other device,” and electronic “storage” is defined as “any temporary, immediate storage of a wire or electronic communication incidental to the electronic transmission thereof; and any storage of such communication by an electronic communication service for purposes of backup protection of such communication.” Courts have struggled about the difference between interceptions and access to stored information, and the resulting penalties can differ.

Secret Agent Tools

Two newer methods of monitoring or collecting the electronic information of another person include Spyware and keystroking. “Spyware” is software installed on the hard drive of a computer that records every detail of what is done on the computer. Some vendors even claim that the software can capture screenshots of exactly what is done on a computer, in the exact order it was done. “Keystroking” refers to the use of a small recording device that clips onto a computer keyboard cable and records all keystrokes made on the keyboard. Conflicting outcomes have been reached in cases across the country on the use of these devices and whether their use is illegal under the ECPA. Just because a computer product is available on the open market for consumers to buy does not make it legal to use, any more than the fact that you can buy a gun at Wal-Mart means you can legally shoot someone.

That is Highly Offensive!

North Carolina recognizes the tort (an enforceable legal claim) of intrusion into the seclusion or solitude of another. There are several elements of this tort claim, but the primary issue is whether the intrusion is “highly offensive to a reasonable person.” Answers can be revealed through examples, such as whether a reasonable person would be justified in expecting her cellular telephone calls taken in public to remain private, or whether a reasonable person would be justified in expecting his chat room conversations to remain private. One’s reasonable expectation of privacy is viewed objectively (meaning it’s based on what a jury would find to be the expectation of a hypothetical “reasonable person,” not on the basis of what a particular person, such as the plaintiff, would expect), and the main issue turns on the reasonableness of the expectation, not whether the violation of privacy was understandable or justified.

But I Have the Password?!?!

A determination of whether the interception or access to electronic storage was unauthorized is examined by the courts on a case-by-case basis. For example, a long-standing practice of an account holder of giving free access to his or her passwords and e-mail accounts can, depending on the circumstances, be viewed as explicit consent by the account holder to the interception of the account holder’s messages or access to the account holder’s stored communications. There may also be situations that provide evidence of implied consent. However, if the plaintiff provided the password to a person for a specific reason, the authority of interception/access cannot be exceeded. For example, if the password to an online bank account was provided for access to transfer funds on one particular occasion, use of the password on another occasion to review the account holder’s account history would be in excess of the authorized access. The issue of whether an interception or access is authorized is very complex, and care must be taken to act only in accordance with specific legal advice.

I’ve Been Violated: Now What?

If you believe that your covered communications have been intentionally intercepted or your stored communications have been accessed without your consent, there are multiple avenues available to you to pursue remedies. Under the ECPA, injunctive relief may be available to you, as well as actual and punitive damages and reimbursement of your attorneys’ fees. You may also be entitled to pursue criminal charges and/or a civil lawsuit under state law for invasion of privacy. Finally, “evidence” that has been obtained in violation of the applicable federal and state laws may be excluded in your underlying suit; for example, intercepted communications that confirm extramarital sexual activities could be excluded and not admitted in an alimony or custody lawsuit.


There are specific deadlines one has to meet in seeking legal claims, and if you have discovered, or have had a reasonable opportunity to discover, a possible violation, you should take immediate action to assess your legal options. This area of the law is not “black and white” and many aspects of eavesdropping claims are fact dependent and complex. Therefore, it is always a good idea to seek legal counsel prior to engaging in conduct that could be illegal or if you think your rights have been violated. Remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

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The New Face of Infidelity

Some 60 years ago, Alfred Kinsey delivered a shock to midcentury sexual sensibilities when he reported that at some point in their marriages, half of the men and a quarter of the women in the U.S. had an extramarital affair. No one puts much stock in Dr. Kinsey’s high numbers any more—his sampling methods suffered from a raging case of selection bias—but his results fit the long-standing assumption that men are much more likely to cheat than women.

Lately, however, researchers have been raising doubts about this view: They believe that the incidence of unfaithfulness among wives may be approaching that of husbands. The lasting costs of these betrayals will be familiar to the many Americans who have experienced divorce as spouses or children.

Among the most reliable studies on this issue is the General Social Survey, sponsored by the National Science Foundation, which has been asking Americans the same questions since 1972. In the 2010 survey, 19% of men said that they had been unfaithful at some point during their marriages, down from 21% in 1991. Women who reported having an affair increased from 11% in 1991 to 14% in 2010.

A 2011 study conducted by Indiana University, the Kinsey Institute and the University of Guelph found much less of a divide: 23% for men and 19% for women. Such numbers suggest the disappearance of the infidelity gender gap, but some caution is in order.

An enduring problem for researchers—even those who sample with meticulous care—is that any such survey is asking for confessions from people who are presumably lying to their spouses. Researchers generally believe that actual infidelity numbers are higher than the results indicate.

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Sex, Relationships And Addiction: Affairs with the Co-Worker

A lot of affairs happen with co-workers. The reasons for this are many; you spend a lot of time with co-workers, sometimes more than with your partner or spouse. People at work are often putting their best foot forward in terms of how they dress and present themselves. You don’t see what they look like first thing in the morning before hair and make-up; you don’t really see them when they are sick and miserable, and people usually try to get along with their boss and co-workers, so they save their “grumpy” selves for when they are at home.

Wrong though it may be, people often give their best at work and save the leftovers, emotionally and physically, for their partners and kids.

All of these factors combine to create an atmosphere where unhealthy emotional connections can start to develop that can evolve into an adulterous relationship over time. This cheating can be either emotional or physical. Before this happens though, there is usually one key ingredient that needs to be there to get the ball rolling.

This one key ingredient is made up of two parts: first, there is strain in the person’s marriage to begin with, and they are feeling like their needs are not being met in some way. Second, they meet someone at work who meets those exact needs for them in a way their partner does not.

For example, a guy is feeling under-appreciated at home by his wife. She is not praising him a whole lot, not speaking his love-language, perhaps she is an Intimacy Anorexic (see previous posts). As a result his “love tank” is empty. The emotional bank account is “over-drawn”. Then he goes to work and his rather attractive co-worker, who always looks fantastic and is upbeat and perky, starts to compliment him on things. She pays attention to him, and validates him. She is “into him” and he feels wanted and important. This goes on for months and months….meanwhile at home he feels like he is living in an emotional wasteland. If he is with an Anorexic he feels like a roommate. Meanwhile, the attention from Ms. Coworker is intoxicating…he can’t get enough.

Guess what? He starts to feel an emotional “connection” with this co-worker. He starts to think about her when he is not at work. He thinks about her when he is getting dressed in the morning and putting his cologne on (“I wonder if she will like this” he thinks). He tries to go out of his way to make sure he talks to her at work, perhaps they have lunch or coffee breaks together. One thing leads to another…

This is a classic text-book case of how affairs happen. One person is not getting their emotional needs met at home, and someone at work fills in the gaps. They feel “whole” when they are around this person. The big mistake they make is that they think that it is the person who is fulfilling them, but it is actually the behaviours that they are doing that is making them feel so good. If their husband or wife at home started to do the same behaviours, they would feel fulfilled in that relationship.

If this is happening to you, be careful. An affair is just around the corner. Take the time you spend investing in that co-worker and start to invest it in your primary relationship. Get counselling, read a book, have a heart-to-heart talk and plan on how you can improve your marriage. Read this blog and see if one or both of you is anorexic. If you are, get some help. Just know this….everything you think that this affair with the co-worker will give you, it won’t. If you develop feelings for this person, it will only end in pain. Either pain for your spouse when they learn you cheated on them, or pain for the co-worker when they develop feelings for you and then realize that it can never happen. Some things are just never meant to be.

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12 Surprising Facts About Infidelity

Can you spot a husband prone to infidelity? If he’s unhappy with his wife, he’ll cheat, right? Not necessarily. According to a Rutgers University study, 56 percent of men who have affairs claim to be happy in their marriages. They’re largely satisfied with all they have and aren’t looking for a way out, yet they still find themselves in bed with other women—and in hot water with their wives. Here, experts explain this phenomenon and dispel other popular cheating myths.

Fact #1: Most men are still in love with their wives when they cheat.

Men who cheat haven’t fallen out of love; they’ve become unsatisfied with the current state of it. “Cheating usually occurs in the phase of companionate love, when couples begin to settle down, have kids and solidify the life being built together,” says clinical psychologist Andra Brosh, PhD. While they’re fulfilled in some areas, like being a provider, the romance may be missing. “We more often think of women complaining about a lack of romance, but men feel it, too,” says Dr. Brosh. “They frequently suffer in silence, believing they can’t get what they want from their spouses.” To avoid this in your marriage, plan nights out together, set aside time for sex and discuss hopes and dreams—not just workdays and your son’s last soccer game.

Fact #2: Men usually cheat with women they know.

Cheaters don’t generally pick up random women in bars. “My first husband cheated on me with a childhood friend,” says Diane* from New York City. “His family was close to her family, so they never lost touch.” Intimacy expert Mary Jo Rapini explains, “A lot of women think that all cheating women are floozies—not true. The relationships are usually friendships first.” A good idea: Make sure your husband feels more connected to you than to his business partner. “Spouses go to work, take care of their kids and do separate things at night. That has to stop,” says Rapini. She suggests always going to bed at the same time and cuddling.

Fact #3: Men cheat to save their marriages

“Men love their spouses, but they don’t know how to fix their relationship problems, so they go outside their marriages to fill any holes,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Susan Mandel, PhD. Men want it all and have the skewed notion that another woman will make the longing for something more disappear. Then, they can live happily ever after with their wife—and their mistress—without confronting the real issues.

Fact #4: Men hate themselves after affairs.

You may think of cheaters as men without morals, but while they may like what they did, they tend to despise themselves after their indiscretions. “If he puts his ego to the side, he’ll feel like a piece of garbage,” says relationship expert Charles J. Orlando, author of The Problem with Women…Is Men. “After all, he’s betraying another human being who he claims to care about, so that takes its toll on every part of his psyche.” A cheater can feel as though he’s failed as a man

Fact #5: Cheaters often get friskier with their wives when affairs begin.

Just because a husband’s touchy-feely doesn’t mean his marriage is on firm footing. “When a man starts cheating, he becomes hyperactive sexually,” says Rapini, explaining that his sex drive has been awakened, and his wife is still the one with whom he feels most comfortable sexually. If you notice a sudden change in your husband’s sex drive, it should raise a red flag. Be on the lookout for the switch to flip off again. “After the affair is solid, he may begin to pull away,” says Rapini.

Fact #6: Women cheat just as much as men, and their affairs are often more dangerous.

An Indiana University study shows that men and women cheat at the same rate. But “the reasons the sexes cheat are different,” says Orlando. He explains women are more likely to cheat for emotional satisfaction. “Online cheating—without any physical contact—is the most damaging type of infidelity,” says Orlando. Becoming emotionally invested in another person means you’ve likely checked out of your marriage. But if it’s just sex, it’s less about attachment and more about a hurtful mistake.

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